Even when…

Romans 8:28 (ESV)

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

I don’t know why things happened the way they did.

I don’t know why He told me “This is the one I’ve chosen for you…”

I don’t know why He gave me so many confirmations.

I don’t know why He didn’t answer the prayers of “if he is not the one, shut the door…”

I repeatedly said to Him that my heart could fall for this guy, take him away if he is not from You.

I sought the Lord…

His answer was for me to wait

The questions I had, the things that didn’t make sense, the disappointments, the lack of responses, the silence, the shut outs, the exclusions, the red flags, the anger at questions, , ,

I sought Him for answers…

Day after day he was still there.

So I fell…

          And a year and a half later…

                   He dumped me…

And now I hurt.

Things I know:

There is a purpose

He is breaking something off my life. Like a pruning.

His plan is always better than mine

He works all things for good to them that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.

He has a plan for me, a plan for good and not evil, a plan to prosper me and not harm me.

He is always faithful.

I will love Him even if…

I know I sought the Lord in this.

I know what He told me.

I was very cautious.

I worked thru the infatuation stage knowing my responses were heightened

I looked, searched, and tried to dig to see the truth.

I was still fooled.

Now I’m confused.

And hurt.

And angry.

And sad.

And lonely, again, still…

Dreams are shattered, again.

Heart is broken, again.

So now I seek the Lord to find out why? What now? Did I hear wrong? Why doesn’t anybody want me? What did I do wrong? What is wrong with me?

And what do I hear??? “I’m not finished with you yet.”

Comfort, Peace, Hope floods in. Tears subside.

I hear it again “I’m not finished with you yet.”

Thank you Lord!

Thank you Lord!

Thank you!

My song for the day started with I still believe by Jeremy Camp then this one played…

 Walk by Faith by Jeremy Camp

Would I believe you when you would say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace 

That is for me today…

I may be broken, but I still see His face

Oh these words say so much!

So I will wait now for His healing.

I will try to give praise in my sorrow.

I have forgiven and will continue to do so.

I will pray for him and truly wish the best for him.

I will grieve and then I will not.

I will learn how to be alone again.

I will live and walk and talk and pursue His dream for my life.

And I will LOVE… Even when it hurts, again.

Live like it...

I stand I stand in awe of you

I stand I stand in awe of you

To whom all praise is due

I stand in awe of you.

Jesus Calling devotional today…

I AM TAKING CARE OF YOU. Trust me at all times. Trust me in all circumstances. Trust Me with all your heart. When you are weary and everything seems to be going wrong, you can still utter these four words: “I trust You, Jesus.” By doing so, you release matters into My control, and you fall back into the security of My everlasting arms.

Before you arise from your bed in the morning, I have already arranged the events of your day. Every day provides many opportunities for you to learn My ways and grow closer to Me. Signs of My Presence brighten even the dullest day when you have eyes that really see. Search for Me as for hidden treasure. I will be found by you.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5

The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. He will drive out your enemy before you, saying, “Destroy him!” Deuteronomy 33:27

“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “And will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place which I carried you into exile.” Jeremiah 29:13-14

In exodus 34 it talks about how Moses would spend time with God and his face would glow with the Glory of the Lord so much so that Moses had to wear a veil to cover his face. To me this is the awe we sing about. Only I really don’t think we would be able to stand literally but only figuratively standing in belief that God is working even if we don’t see the evidence of it.

The more time we spend in His presence the more our face and lives shine with His Glory as well. I have fallen away from quality time and I truly miss that.

Again, I find myself living by my feelings. I have been putting my desires ahead of my time with Him.

How do we keep balanced in our lives?

Word—stay in it!! Every day!!

Pray—intentional about everything!!

Do—be faithful to Him by doing the best you can every day.

Don’t put life or things or people before God. He is your number one priority.

Romans 12:1-2 msg

So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

Your life is an offering to Him. Live like it…

Learning

So this past year I’ve had the privilege to learn about myself in new ways.

I learned how debris from my failed marriage still haunts me.

I’ve learned that any story of my life is not like anybody else’s story and that is okay.

I’ve learned that I have to keep God my first pursuit and all else must come after. I’ve learned how much I need forgiveness.

I’ve learned that trust is hard when everything from my view looks deceiving if stop and pull back and look at it from a different perspective an issue can have a whole different meaning.

I’ve learned to lean on God and trust Him to fix things.

I’ve learned that when God gives you a word He gave it cause sometimes that is the only thing you have to stand on when everything else looks opposing.

I’ve learned to stand on what He impresses on me because He really is working to fulfill my dreams.

I’ve learned He hasn’t forgotten me.

I’ve learned He wants me to experience a fraction of the intimacy He desires to have with me.

I’ve learned that I can’t make plans or have expectations because His timing is so much better and disappointments from my self-generated expectations hurt.

I’ve learned that love isn’t emotion, or companionship or dates or fantasies.

I’ve learned that I may not have tomorrow.

I‘ve learned that I need to live life today.

I’ve learned that my drop in the bucket can cause ripple effects.

I’ve learned that encouragement is life.

I’ve learned a lot this year. It has not been easy. It has not always been good. But God always uses my life to teach me. He always turns my struggle into His victory.

Romans 8:28 (MSG)

^26-28 Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good

Jeremiah 29:11-14a (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.

Thank you Lord for teaching me! 

Waiting

Waiting…

So I’m in this waiting game. Well it’s not a game… it is waiting on God to do what He is going to do and trying to be faithful to Him in the meantime.

Waiting is not just sitting around doing nothing while God is doing all the work. No actually it is hard work to wait. To not try and fix things myself is hard. To not jump into what I think needs to happen is hard work. To trust God for the very next step is hard work. To live in “believing” and not in doubt is hard work. To speak life and not death over what is happening is hard work. The living day by day not know the what, where, how and when is hard work.

While waiting is hard, there is a peace in letting God do the work. And knowing that whatever happens He will work it for my good (Rom 8:28) has peace in it. There is peace in believing He has a plan and is working it all out. But it is hard to keep believing when things happen that doesn’t look like they are flowing toward the goal you think is in the future. It is hard work when it doesn’t come as fast as you think it should. It is hard work when doubt creeps in and slaps you upside the head.

So what does God have to say about it?

Lamentations 3:24

I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”

Isaiah 64:4

Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him.

Isaiah 30:18

Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!

Psalm 130:5

I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope.

Psalm 40:1

 I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.

1 Corinthians 4:5

Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time each will receive their praise from God.

Hebrews 6:15

And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised.

In a previous writing I spoke of Abraham’s promise to become the father of many nations. He was old, dried up, and Sara was unable to have children, yet… God gave Abraham what He promised.

So while I sit here and evaluate… I know I must wait. I can either wait on God and live in peace… or I can wait in anguish and try to figure things out and live in constant turmoil.

It is my choice on how I wait.

I love the song by John Waller “While I’m Waiting” from the movie Fireproof. It speaks so much of what I feel.

Trust

I had wrote in an earlier post that God had given me Romans 12 to read almost daily for several months. Lately it has been impressed upon me that I need to be in Romans 4.

I struggle with feeling worthy. I believe this has a lot to do with a lifelong dream I’ve had that has not been brought into reality.

I’ve had to realize that my worthiness is not in what I want in life, but who I am. And by saying “Who I am” I mean who I am in Christ and who I am because of Christ.

This is where Romans 4 comes in to play. Abraham was just an ordinary guy who was old and couldn’t have kids, but God called him to be something beyond himself. What made Abraham such a tool for God to use is trust. Abraham trusted God!

I LOVE this line in the MSG version…

…But the story we’re given is a God-story, not an Abraham-story. What we read in Scripture is, “Abraham entered into what God was doing for him, and that was the turning point. He trusted God to set him right instead of trying to be right on his own.”  (1-3)

God called Abraham, but Abraham trusted God before, get that, before anything happened in his life. And then Abraham “underwent circumcision as evidence and confirmation” before God gave Abraham the family God had promised him.

“That famous promise God gave Abraham—that he and his children would possess the earth—was not given because of something Abraham did or would do. It was based on God’s decision to put everything together for him, which Abraham then entered when he believed…” (13-15)

“This is why the fulfillment of God’s promise depends entirely on trusting God and his way, and then simply embracing him and what he does. God’s promise arrives as pure gift...” (16)

I so much need this! I don’t have to be found worthy in order to receive wholeness. It is by faith and trust and embracing God for what He does I am to be found “Worthy” and then God can give me, as pure gift, what He knows the desire of my heart is.

“…Abraham was first named “father” and then became a father because he dared to trust God to do what only God could do: raise the dead to life, with a word make something out of nothing. When everything was hopeless, Abraham believed anyway, deciding to live not on the basis of what he saw he couldn’t do but on what God said he would do.” (17-18)

I have felt so dead that I would have never thought I could be brought back to life, but as in Ezekiel He is bringing these dry bones back to life. God is making something out of nothing in my life. He can do the same with yours. Abraham could have been hopeless, he believed anyway. Not because he saw something, but because he trusted God and didn’t live in the hopeless. He lived with hope.

“Abraham didn’t focus on his own impotence and say, “It’s hopeless. This hundred-year-old body could never father a child.” Nor did he survey Sarah’s decades of infertility and give up. He didn’t tiptoe around God’s promise asking cautiously skeptical questions. He plunged into the promise and came up strong, ready for God, sure that God would make good on what he had said. That’s why it is said, “Abraham was declared fit before God by trusting God to set him right.” But it’s not just Abraham; it’s also us! The same thing gets said about us when we embrace and believe the One who brought Jesus to life when the conditions were equally hopeless. The sacrificed Jesus made us fit for God, set us right with God.” (19-25)

I love that, “He plunged into the promise…” How many times do I plunge into anything, much less, something I have no clue on how, why, when or where it is going to happen. NOT! I might tiptoe in, but not plung!

So if Abraham can trust God and God made him the father of great nations… then why can’t I trust God to make my life worthy of His greatness? And let me tell you, He is doing it! He is doing it! He is doing it!

I am so grateful, so thankful, so blessed! I look forward to seeing how he accomplishes the impossible. It’s a God-story, not a Christy-story! I just get to live it and see what happens!

Hope

My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness.

Sermon today was on hope.

My statement “I’m afraid to hope!”

Pastor Ron’s cocktail of lost hope:

          Unfulfilled expectations

          Fear that God will or has abandoned me

          Doubt that God can or will make a difference

          Anger over the position that I am in

          Unbelief and cynicism creeping in

I have felt all of these!

I don’t believe I’m worth having a relationship.

I have lost the hope that God really does have someone for me.

I don’t feel like I am “dateable.”

But God

He is working in my life.

He is healing places I didn’t know hurt.

He is bringing people around me that love me.

He is speaking truth into my life.

He is faithful.

He is worthy.

He is opening up my heart for possibilities.

He has shown me with so many “coincidences” that He has handpicked someone for me.

Can I trust Him?

Yes I know I can!

Do I have the tools to fight the enemy’s lies?

Yes I do!

Do I know what is going to happen?

No, but I do know that God has healed my broken heart before, and I know that He will use whatever I go thru for His Glory!

I am His!

And if my dream comes true, He will use that too.

And I will be forever grateful that He decided to give me the love of a Godly man.

Until then, I will Trust Him. I will serve Him. I will wait!

Thank you Lord!

The word God gave me for this year was "Courageous" and the verse He has been giving me is the 12th chapter in Romans. 

I knew this year was going to be a year of change. 

I knew this year was going to have some do or die choices.

I knew this year was going to be challenging.

I knew this year was going to be life changing.

I knew this year God was going to do Miracles.

I had no idea that what God has in store for me is beyond my belief. I always thought that it always happens to other people but not me... 

I. Am. Blown. Away. 

I have no idea what is going to take place. How it is going to happen. When it is going to happen. But I know it is happening! 

click, click, click, chink, chink, the pieces are falling into place. The safe is about to be opened. The clicks are falling into place and starting to resound into deeper places. Another day, another piece. A week later it is that closer to opening the safe. It is not open yet, but it is getting closer.

God you are amazing! Eph 3:20(MSG) God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.