An Unfortunate Accident

So last night on my “Therapy” session
I had this thought…
It was an unfortunate accident.
Unfortunately I got hurt.

I’ll just leave it at that
I wont try to explain it
It was just an accident.

So Now on to repair the damage…

In this process that I learned while helping dad with the mustang
You got to take all the parts off in the area of the damage
Inspect the structure
Repair or replace any structural damage
Bang out the bent places to a somewhat normal position
Gradually replace part by part
Realigning the structure so that each part comes together in union with each other
Add a part
Realign
Add a part
Realign
When you stand back and look at all the parts strewn around it looks like a mess
But gradually, part after part, it comes together
But that isn’t the end
There is still a lot of work to be done
Putty, Sanding and re-sanding to smooth out the rough spots
Primer and finally painting
Multiple layers of paint
Even when that is done
There is still maintenance...
Cleaning the impurities
Waxing a protective shield
Mechanical work and fixing problems
Refueling
Otherwise neglected
It gets dull, chipped, and the original damage shows up again plus more

Life takes maintenance
A continuous cleaning and maintenance to filter the debris
And sometimes an accident happens
We have to dig down deeper to fix the damage
It takes someone who knows how to fix things to repair the damage
Sometimes it takes a professional

Thank God I have the best professional to fix my damage
The One who knitted me together in the beginning…


This song has been in my head for a week now…
It resonates into my soul.

A Chance for a Miracle  by Jason Crabb
I still walk the street at night
Searching for reasons why
That this has become my life
With every tear I cry
With every tear I cry
That I’m heart-heavy, half way through the midnight hour
Waiting for the sun to rise
Still hoping, still praying there’s an answer waiting on the other side
It might look too difficult
 It might look impossible
But oh, God, let it be
A chance for a miracle
There’s so much I don’t know
Oh, Father, hold me close
Don’t every let me go
‘Cause You’re my only hope
Yes, You’re my only hope
When I’m heart-heavy, half way through the midnight hour
Waiting for the sun to rise
Still hoping, still praying there’s an answer waiting on the other side
It might look too difficult
It might look impossible 
But Oh, God, let it be
A chance for a miracle
Would you open my eyes to see, believe?
A chance for a miracle

By Choice.

Here I am, again.
Wishing…
Lord I gave up my dream to You.
I gave it up because it was consuming me.
It was tearing me up inside.
Killing my joy.
I gave it up by choice, not emotionally but knowing that it’s gonna hurt. 
Hurt to not dream a dream I’ve had since a little girl.
A dream that is so ingrained in my heart that it would feel better to die than to extract that dream from my being.
BUT, I know that is what I had to do.
To give it to You knowing it will not come true.
Knowing You have something different in mind for my life.
Knowing it is in the pain that You grow me.
Tonight it hurts.
I try to ignore it.
I try to busy myself.
I try to not obsess.
But it’s there, sliding down my cheeks.

So what do I do with that?

I go back to what I know.
YOU LOVE ME!
You have a plan for my life.
Your plans are better than anything I could dream of.
I trust You Lord.

Beauty of Heaven

On BLT Midmorning show the topic of the day was “What season would you like to extend for a month…” Many people called, emailed or facebooked their opinion of this question. One pondering was about what heaven would be like…

So as I read my study guide for the women’s fellowship class I’m in attending. I came across a verse in Rev 10:5-7 that spoke of “There will no longer be an interval of time,” so the thought came to mind from the earlier conversation this week…

What if we experience ALL seasons at once…

The beauty of the leaves turning all reds, oranges and yellow’s.

The gorgeous flowers of tulips, roses, lilacs, and sunflowers.

The deep green of the fresh new grass.

The stalk beauty of a bare branched tree standing tall.

The surprise of a fresh new leaf growing from one of those branches.

The fresh new snow fall covering parts of the ground, but wait, there is a bright purple flower poking out.

And look up again and there is a bright red maple tree with a white blanket of snow under it.

Think about it…

Would we ever get tired of the beauty of Heaven?

And don’t forget the sparkle of jewels.

Look in that creek and see the deep tones of jewels, shiny and perfect, under the water and the water is so clear that the depth is unknown.

Add a few sparkles of rubies in that maple tree, the reflection shining on the fresh snow.

I am positive that we could never imagine how much beauty our hearts can take.

Mine is expanding with just the thought of it.

"Let Me in..."

“This is the one I’ve chosen for you.”

That was the beginning of an end.

I sought answers.

I came up with very few.

So many coincidences. Stuff that wasn’t made up. Stuff that meant something. Some being redemption of a past loss.

A relationship with someone who “got me.”

Exciting. Comfortable. Fun.

I kept being cautious telling God that “I could fall for this guy.”

“Take him away if He isn’t from You.”

But he was still there.

Day after day. Month after month.

Yet he never let me in his life…

He wouldn’t tell his family about me

I didn’t meet his friends

I wasn’t a part of his life.

He would shut me out.

He kept me on the surface never letting me in deep.

He didn’t go out of his way to see me

He rarely asked me out.

But when we were together I felt like I was important to him.

Everyday he texted me.

He said he cared.

He told me I was beautiful.

But he never let me inside his thoughts.

Inside his heart.

So is that the way we are with God?

Do we allow Him to touch the surface but never let Him in deep?

Do we open our hearts, thoughts and lives to Him?

God pursues us first.

How far do we go to pursue Him?

Do we invite Him to our family?

Do we tell our friends all about Him?

Do we give Him our deep desires or just keep Him on the surface?

I desired a deeper relationship with him.

I ended up empty.

With a dream.

A hope.

And nothing to show for it.

No relationship.

No love.

A broken heart.

So when God pursues me…

He desires a deeper relationship.

He often ends up empty.

With a dream.

A hope.

And nothing to show for it.

No relationship.

No love.

A broken heart.

Because I don’t let Him in.

I shut Him out.

I’ll give Him this or that but I don’t allow it to go deep.

How long would I have kept waiting for him to invite me in his life?

How long will God keep waiting for me to invite Him into my life?

Worry Box

Matthew 6:25-34 (NLT)
25 “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing?26 Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? 27 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?
28 “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, 29 yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. 30 And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?
31 “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ 32 These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. 33 Seek the Kingdom of God[a]above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
34 “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

So as I am trying to figure out what my part of what went wrong in this brokenness, I find myself realizing how much I worry.
About everything…

I never really thought I did that.

Surprise.

So now what do I do? I pull up Joyce Meyer on you tube and listen. She said the answer to anything is to be in the Word of God. To study. To write. To learn. To fight.

Matt 6:25
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life…

Whoopsie.

And later in that passage I find it is really interesting that these verses come right after each other… coincidence… I think not.

Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

I was shown this verse early in this relationship and took note of it but didn’t put it into action. I didn’t see the second part. Ugh.

So here I am months later seeing it like it was the first time. How do I quit worrying??? Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you. Speaking of food, clothes, and I believe life in itself.

I have been in such a state of worry that I have not enjoyed life. I didn’t enjoy the friendship, the dating, the fun of a relationship because I was so worried he wouldn’t like me, or he would like me or how to do this or am I enough for him or why doesn’t he… why does this not look like… who am I to him… and now it doesn’t matter because he doesn’t care about me like that anymore.

It takes a broken heart to teach me.
It takes a slap in the face to get me to hear.
It takes a dream crushed to see.

Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, 
and live righteously, 
and he will give you everything you need. 
So don’t worry about tomorrow, 
for tomorrow will bring its own worries. 
Today’s trouble is enough for today.

To put this in to practice I decided that I will make a worry box. I happen to have a basket that will work perfectly for this. I will write any worry I am having at any given time and put it in the box. Everything in the box belongs to God. I can’t take it back. It is His.

Funny thing is I started to write a list of them down and do you think I could think of one?? Nope. But I did start with one later as I was thinking (worrying) about something. I did write it down. And I looked at it. And shed a tear. And a few minutes later I felt lighter…

And tonight I felt good. Had a good conversation. Did some cleaning. Cut flowers. Smiled. And am writing this. Mmmmm. Sounds like something is working. 

Even when…

Romans 8:28 (ESV)

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

I don’t know why things happened the way they did.

I don’t know why He told me “This is the one I’ve chosen for you…”

I don’t know why He gave me so many confirmations.

I don’t know why He didn’t answer the prayers of “if he is not the one, shut the door…”

I repeatedly said to Him that my heart could fall for this guy, take him away if he is not from You.

I sought the Lord…

His answer was for me to wait

The questions I had, the things that didn’t make sense, the disappointments, the lack of responses, the silence, the shut outs, the exclusions, the red flags, the anger at questions, , ,

I sought Him for answers…

Day after day he was still there.

So I fell…

          And a year and a half later…

                   He dumped me…

And now I hurt.

Things I know:

There is a purpose

He is breaking something off my life. Like a pruning.

His plan is always better than mine

He works all things for good to them that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.

He has a plan for me, a plan for good and not evil, a plan to prosper me and not harm me.

He is always faithful.

I will love Him even if…

I know I sought the Lord in this.

I know what He told me.

I was very cautious.

I worked thru the infatuation stage knowing my responses were heightened

I looked, searched, and tried to dig to see the truth.

I was still fooled.

Now I’m confused.

And hurt.

And angry.

And sad.

And lonely, again, still…

Dreams are shattered, again.

Heart is broken, again.

So now I seek the Lord to find out why? What now? Did I hear wrong? Why doesn’t anybody want me? What did I do wrong? What is wrong with me?

And what do I hear??? “I’m not finished with you yet.”

Comfort, Peace, Hope floods in. Tears subside.

I hear it again “I’m not finished with you yet.”

Thank you Lord!

Thank you Lord!

Thank you!

My song for the day started with I still believe by Jeremy Camp then this one played…

 Walk by Faith by Jeremy Camp

Would I believe you when you would say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace 

That is for me today…

I may be broken, but I still see His face

Oh these words say so much!

So I will wait now for His healing.

I will try to give praise in my sorrow.

I have forgiven and will continue to do so.

I will pray for him and truly wish the best for him.

I will grieve and then I will not.

I will learn how to be alone again.

I will live and walk and talk and pursue His dream for my life.

And I will LOVE… Even when it hurts, again.

Live like it...

I stand I stand in awe of you

I stand I stand in awe of you

To whom all praise is due

I stand in awe of you.

Jesus Calling devotional today…

I AM TAKING CARE OF YOU. Trust me at all times. Trust me in all circumstances. Trust Me with all your heart. When you are weary and everything seems to be going wrong, you can still utter these four words: “I trust You, Jesus.” By doing so, you release matters into My control, and you fall back into the security of My everlasting arms.

Before you arise from your bed in the morning, I have already arranged the events of your day. Every day provides many opportunities for you to learn My ways and grow closer to Me. Signs of My Presence brighten even the dullest day when you have eyes that really see. Search for Me as for hidden treasure. I will be found by you.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5

The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. He will drive out your enemy before you, saying, “Destroy him!” Deuteronomy 33:27

“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “And will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place which I carried you into exile.” Jeremiah 29:13-14

In exodus 34 it talks about how Moses would spend time with God and his face would glow with the Glory of the Lord so much so that Moses had to wear a veil to cover his face. To me this is the awe we sing about. Only I really don’t think we would be able to stand literally but only figuratively standing in belief that God is working even if we don’t see the evidence of it.

The more time we spend in His presence the more our face and lives shine with His Glory as well. I have fallen away from quality time and I truly miss that.

Again, I find myself living by my feelings. I have been putting my desires ahead of my time with Him.

How do we keep balanced in our lives?

Word—stay in it!! Every day!!

Pray—intentional about everything!!

Do—be faithful to Him by doing the best you can every day.

Don’t put life or things or people before God. He is your number one priority.

Romans 12:1-2 msg

So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

Your life is an offering to Him. Live like it…